Talking to Those Who Know

I’d like to take a moment to write about one my experiences that I’ve had this term, namely my visits to counseling services. But before I can begin, I should try to explain my motivation for wanting to see a counselor.

After my most recent breakup with Kate, I had been feeling pretty crappy. Of course this is to be expected from any long term relationship, but I found my situation confusing. The breakup that Kate and I had was mutual, and even more, we both had been thinking about ending our relationship for a while before we actually did finish it. What I didn’t understand was why I felt crappy when I believed that the right decision had been made.

After all, if I was feeling crappy and I thought the decision was a mistake, then I could just try to get back into the old relationship. On the other hand, if I didn’t feel crappy and thought the decision was the right one, well I would have no problem at all. But my thoughts and emotions were in conflict, which left me in a state where I didn’t know how to proceed.

With this contradiction brewing inside of me, my behaviour turned erratic around Kate. I would sometimes want to leap back into the relationship (unreasonably), and at other points I would want nothing to do with Kate (unreasonably). I usually consider myself as someone who makes thought-out, unbiased decisions, so as my behaviour became increasingly unpredictable, I thought counseling services might be the tool I needed to understand my situation, and then get back to a life of sensible decision making.

So one day when I was in Needles Hall (registering for a course), I decided to sign up for counseling. At the time I was feeling free from emotional troubles, but I figured I’d eventually feel like crap again, so I decided to sign up in spite of being in a good mood. When it came time to schedule an appointment, the secretary noticed that I lived in residence and suggested that I see the counselor in V1. Now being a Don in V1, I know the people who work at the front desk, which meant that people I knew would be aware that I was seeing a counselor, but I didn’t care. I didn’t have some shameful secret, I just wanted to talk to someone who had a lot of experience dealing with problems such as mine, and could approach them with an unbiased mind.

I was really excited the day of my first appointment. I hadn’t a clue what the counselor and I would do in the session, but the prospect of getting some advice was exciting. When I went to the front desk, I ran into Patty (who works at the front desk). I asked her where I could find Monica (the counselor), she asked me if I was here for counseling, and I said yes. Patty then began to apologize profusely to me for asking if I was there for counseling or not. I told her it was no big deal, Connie (who works there as well) just laughed and I thought the whole situation was rather funny.

Moments later someone else at the front desk (it’s a large front desk) asked if I was waiting for someone. I said yes, she asked who, I said Monica, (which she took as a signal to stop asking me questions) and she turned back to her work. People were acting very weird about this counseling thing. I knew then that I would have to blog about this experience one day.

When Monica came out to find me, I realized that I recognized her from Don’s Orientation, and I quickly pointed out that I was a Don and that I remembered her. She seemed a little taken aback, and asked if I’d rather meet somewhere outside of residence. As I live about 14 seconds away from where we were meeting, I told her that this site was perfect!

The session started, and Monica began to ask me questions about my current state of affaires. It took awhile, but I got out much of my emotions and thoughts, along with current events pertaining to my breakup. With this information given, Monica was able to sum-up a lot of what I said into a few concepts. A key one was empathy, and its role in my now over relationship.

After an hour, the session was complete, and I booked a second appointment. I had been given some homework, specifically to write a journal of my feelings, and then bring it along next time. I left feeling empowered with the insights she had shared with me, and I knew then that my visit was worthwhile.

For my next appointment, I was expecting much of the same, which I didn’t think was very necessary since I felt that I learned the important stuff last visit. I was nonetheless excited for another visit, and open to new information. The session started much differently, with Monica asking me a lot of specific questions. I later realized that she was testing me to see if I had developed any ‘ailments’ from the breakup, and she found one!

In short, she told me that I was in denial. My first reaction was to deny this fact (which I know, sounds even more like denial) since I didn’t deny that the breakup was the right thing to do, but denial doesn’t have to mean denying some truth. It can also mean denying the true state of affaires that one finds themselves in.

Monica asked me a lot of questions about pain and when it is justified to cause someone pain, and from my answers about my willingness to cause Kate pain, she was able to see that I wasn’t over my relationship with Kate, and this is what I was in denial about; that I still wanted to treat Kate as though she was in some special, privileged part of my life.

It didn’t take long before it made a lot of sense. I thought back to my relationship with Emily L. and remembered how I was in denial after that relationship, though even more so (probably since it was my first relationship).

So again I left feeling armed with information, but there was no excitement this time. During the first session, I realized what my relationship with Kate was, and I was able to put my thoughts into perspective, but after this session I realized that I was still ill from the relationship, and that only I could help myself deal with the last stages of recovery that come with any emotional experience.

Before I left the session, I asked some questions about how people in general deal with failed relationships, which I found extremely informative. One interesting point she outlined was that people who get into relationships without properly getting over a previous one, are far more likely to stay in that relationship for a long time, and that it can lead to people marrying more quickly than usual. That piece of information alone made me realize that I still need time before attempting another relationship.

She also told me that some people try to deal with emotional pain by causing themselves physical pain, such as cutting themselves, punching things, or doing any number of harmful activities to themselves. The idea is that physical pain is much easier to deal with than emotional pain, so if you can distract yourself from the emotional pain, then you have far less to deal with. She then pointed out that a much better way to deal with emotional pain is to think about it in a physical way. That is, when you’re feeling the pain, try to figure out what it exactly feels like. For instance, it might feel like your chest is being compressed, that your stomach feels out of place. You can go further by just trying to figure out where the pain is located, around which muscles, or close to which organs. I’ve personally given this a try, and have found it an effective way to get your mind off of any emotional pain.

Some of you may be wondering if there will be a third visit, but I highly doubt it. If there will be one, she asked me to bring in some of my pastel drawings that I’ve made about my feelings. But I want my episode of this past relationship to be over, and if I continue to go to counseling services when I think all of my questions have been answered, I believe that I’ll be dwelling on a topic which I’m trying to minimize in my life.

So why did I write this post? Some of you may think that counseling is a personal mater, and for some people I’m sure it is, but I wrote this post because I feel counseling has an unnecessary stigma around it. I myself have previously viewed it as some form of abnormality, and of the friends that I’ve told this story to, some have responded as though I have some medical problem with myself. If anything, this experience has taught me the value of seeking help when you need it, and that the process is just as normal as talking to friends about problems. The only difference is that counselor services is trained in helping others.